I don't wany Sympathy
I mentioned in an earlier post, my first, that I have done some dammage to my body in the past and delt with depression. I recieved quite a few concerns about it. So here's my explination, or the best I can give:
One thing that almost no one knows about, is that fact that I struggle with depression. I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, because I haven't been able to admit to my parents about my problems, and I don't want to see a counslor, because I think that I need to get through this thing with the resorces I have, being my friends, family, and God. Now before I go on, I want you to know that I don't want sympathy for this. I don't really think it's anyone's fault, I know that it was givin to me, because I can deal with it, and that is what I'm going to do. okay now I'll continue.
So, I've been awear that I've had this problem for about two years, and they have been the HARDEST two years of my life. The hardest part of it all, is admitting that i have a problem, I know that sounds like an infomercial, but I've discovered that it's more real then I could ever have imagined. I've gotten better and better about it, and just this last summer I started to really learn how to open up. I've told people here and there, but I STILL haven't told my parents, and many others, because it's SO hard to get over my pride.
Pride is a big factor in this whole issue. I've always felt like I had pressur to be perfect. I have three older siblings, a little brother, and two perfect parents. My oldest sister, Meghan, was an A+ student, got married to her high school sweetheart, and has two beautiful children. Next comes Courtney, the popular cheerleader and cross country runner, the one who has always been beautiful and admired by many, including me. She became a professional barista, then went to San Diego to go on an adventure, and find herself. Cole, he's next, well let's just say that he was popular, smart, beautiful, and the best Running Back to make it to my high school. He went to college and is living my dads dream of playing college ball, and he has a wonderful girlfriend that the family loves. My little brother is a geniouse. He stores information like none other, and his vocabulary has been higher then mine sinse like fourth grade. Now maybe this is nothing, and maybe I'm completly wrong, but for me, this has put a lot of pressuer on my shoulders.
I've never felt like I haven't done anything, I feel like I'm constantly in their shadows. I was the youngest to get a job, but Courtney and Cole have both worked there before me, so that didn't really matter. I get good grades, but so did Meghan and Cole, so who cares? I played soccer, but quit because if I didn't make varsity as a junior I wouldn't have been able to look my dad in the eye. I am involved in drama, but Stefan, Meghans husband, is one of the legendary thespians at NHS, and I'm not gifted with singing ability, so I can't get a lead in a musical, which is most of what everyone cares about. I am very involved in my church, but that's just expected, because I'm 'outgoing.' I really have a hard time finding anythign that I can do to be ME, to be different, to do something new. The only thing i've acomplished so far is NOT being a specific anything, not completly suceeding at ANYTHING, but doing 'okay' on a lot of things.
This is where I think some of my feelings of depression have come from, but I can't be sure, I think it's also just being stressed out, and having the personality I have; always smiling, never anything wrong. I hold things in, and I pretend that everything is okay, and that is VERY unhealthy.
When I said that i've done harm to my body, I don't want you to audimatically think "cutting." Actually I never did cut, but I got closer then I ever thought possible. I did have a few eating problems, suicidal thoughts, and I would hurt myself and find ways to cause pain, so that I could feel something, anything. This was a HORRIBLE thing, and I wish I would have never gone through it. BUT God likes to work in mysteriouse ways, and if I hadn't then I wouldn't have been so close to him today.
Don't worry, I'm okay now, actually I'm WONDERFUL! Ive been doing very well, and I have found people to help me out when I start to slip, and so they can pull me up, before I fall that far down. I am growing in my relationship with Christ everyday as well, and God has really been amazing. He likes to give me little reminders, like a beautiful sunset, or a smile from a stanger, a hug from a friend, or even just a warm cup of coffee on a cold day.
Like I said before, PLEASE don't try to give me sympathy, I really don't want people feeling sorry for me, because I'm doing better then a lot of people could ever say. I thank God everyday for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, and the food in my stomach. I'm doing JUST FINE, and I will continue to grow stronger and stronger, and I know that one day I'll conquere this awful state of mind. I thank God for the community he has provided for me, and I'm beggining to realize how important it is to have community.
Peace.
One thing that almost no one knows about, is that fact that I struggle with depression. I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, because I haven't been able to admit to my parents about my problems, and I don't want to see a counslor, because I think that I need to get through this thing with the resorces I have, being my friends, family, and God. Now before I go on, I want you to know that I don't want sympathy for this. I don't really think it's anyone's fault, I know that it was givin to me, because I can deal with it, and that is what I'm going to do. okay now I'll continue.
So, I've been awear that I've had this problem for about two years, and they have been the HARDEST two years of my life. The hardest part of it all, is admitting that i have a problem, I know that sounds like an infomercial, but I've discovered that it's more real then I could ever have imagined. I've gotten better and better about it, and just this last summer I started to really learn how to open up. I've told people here and there, but I STILL haven't told my parents, and many others, because it's SO hard to get over my pride.
Pride is a big factor in this whole issue. I've always felt like I had pressur to be perfect. I have three older siblings, a little brother, and two perfect parents. My oldest sister, Meghan, was an A+ student, got married to her high school sweetheart, and has two beautiful children. Next comes Courtney, the popular cheerleader and cross country runner, the one who has always been beautiful and admired by many, including me. She became a professional barista, then went to San Diego to go on an adventure, and find herself. Cole, he's next, well let's just say that he was popular, smart, beautiful, and the best Running Back to make it to my high school. He went to college and is living my dads dream of playing college ball, and he has a wonderful girlfriend that the family loves. My little brother is a geniouse. He stores information like none other, and his vocabulary has been higher then mine sinse like fourth grade. Now maybe this is nothing, and maybe I'm completly wrong, but for me, this has put a lot of pressuer on my shoulders.
I've never felt like I haven't done anything, I feel like I'm constantly in their shadows. I was the youngest to get a job, but Courtney and Cole have both worked there before me, so that didn't really matter. I get good grades, but so did Meghan and Cole, so who cares? I played soccer, but quit because if I didn't make varsity as a junior I wouldn't have been able to look my dad in the eye. I am involved in drama, but Stefan, Meghans husband, is one of the legendary thespians at NHS, and I'm not gifted with singing ability, so I can't get a lead in a musical, which is most of what everyone cares about. I am very involved in my church, but that's just expected, because I'm 'outgoing.' I really have a hard time finding anythign that I can do to be ME, to be different, to do something new. The only thing i've acomplished so far is NOT being a specific anything, not completly suceeding at ANYTHING, but doing 'okay' on a lot of things.
This is where I think some of my feelings of depression have come from, but I can't be sure, I think it's also just being stressed out, and having the personality I have; always smiling, never anything wrong. I hold things in, and I pretend that everything is okay, and that is VERY unhealthy.
When I said that i've done harm to my body, I don't want you to audimatically think "cutting." Actually I never did cut, but I got closer then I ever thought possible. I did have a few eating problems, suicidal thoughts, and I would hurt myself and find ways to cause pain, so that I could feel something, anything. This was a HORRIBLE thing, and I wish I would have never gone through it. BUT God likes to work in mysteriouse ways, and if I hadn't then I wouldn't have been so close to him today.
Don't worry, I'm okay now, actually I'm WONDERFUL! Ive been doing very well, and I have found people to help me out when I start to slip, and so they can pull me up, before I fall that far down. I am growing in my relationship with Christ everyday as well, and God has really been amazing. He likes to give me little reminders, like a beautiful sunset, or a smile from a stanger, a hug from a friend, or even just a warm cup of coffee on a cold day.
Like I said before, PLEASE don't try to give me sympathy, I really don't want people feeling sorry for me, because I'm doing better then a lot of people could ever say. I thank God everyday for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, and the food in my stomach. I'm doing JUST FINE, and I will continue to grow stronger and stronger, and I know that one day I'll conquere this awful state of mind. I thank God for the community he has provided for me, and I'm beggining to realize how important it is to have community.
Peace.
posted by Elizbeth at 7:01 PM
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