Where did "LIsby" go?

You always hear about perfectly normal people going in for a check up and then finding out a few days later that they have a tumor or cancer. This has always been on of those things that I've had a HUGE fear of, and always thought I would be one of those people, but praying that it would never happen.
A few years ago I started to show some very unusual symptoms in my everyday behavior. At first I was diagnosed with mono, but it never really went away. I tried to push it out of my mind, but this past school year has been really horrible. Some of my symptoms have gotten so bad that I'm just NOT myself, I'm not the Lisby that everyone knows, I'm not healthy. Of corse my first thought was cancer...BUT it's not. at least most likly, I guess there's always that possiblity, but so far we don't know ANYTHING. I've gone in for blood tests, and I've talked to doctors and naturapaths about my symptoms and everything.
Basically it's really hard on me. I don't know what I have, and I don't know how long it will take until I DO know. I have to explain that I just can't physically do anything. I wasn't able to play soccer this year, the first time sinse first grade, and I'm having to drop out of the Shakespeare play, the one I've been looking forward to for about three years now, because I just can't do it. I don't have enough energy to have as much fun as I used to have, and to be as crazy as most know me as. Sometimes I'll come home from school and just sleep, not really able to focus until I do. I can't just STOP going to school, I can't just NOT work, I can't just STOP hanging out with people.
People, friends, laughter; it's what keeps me going, so it scares me to think that everyday I'm getting less and less of that due to lack of energy. It's hard having to change the way i act, function, talk, move, feel, live life. I can't be the person that I used to be, because I don't have enough energy, I don't have enough energy to be ME! How does that work? I don't understand, and I can't explain that to anyone.
I guess I'm just waiting for them to tell me what's up with me, but that may take weeks, months, years...I just don't know, and that is hard. That is very hard for me. Very very hard.
For now, I'm trying to get as much sleep as I can, and smile as often as I can, and laugh as much as possible. I'm trying not to let this effect me, but I'm finding it to be almost impossible. I'll keep praying, and trusting that this is good for me, and there is obvesly a reason for this, but I'm not going to pretend it's easy, after all, if it was, I wouldn't be writing this. Thank you for your prayers.
Peace Friends.

LIfe is good...and I don't know why

LIFE....

..is good right now.

The Lord is GooD to me.

I'm doing great.

I'm just happy.

for no aparent reason.

I haven't felt this way for awhile.

it feels good to smile and laugh inside...and out.

Thank you.

Friends

There are some people in this world that I just enjoy. People that always know when to give a warm hug or a huge smile. People that just make a bad day good, a decent day better, and a great day...even GREATER. Friends. That's who these people are. Friends that want to make life a fun place. Friends that want you to be happy, and well, and friends that I want to be happy and well. Friends that care, and friends that I care about.

Friends, I couldn't live without them.

Friends.

Fly to Jesus

Fly To Jesus

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head, for love is passing by.
Come to Jesus; Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live

Now your burdens lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus; Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when we walk
Sometimes we fall, So
Fall on Jesus; Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus; Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live

Oh and when the love spills over
And music through the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus; Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on glorys side, and
Fly to Jesus; Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live.

-Chris Rice

Right now this song speaks to me, it reminds me that no matter where I am, who I am, or what situation I am in, I can still rely on Jesus to take the load.

-

Want it to end.

Sometimes life can be really overwhelming...
I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone...
I just want to yell...
sometimes I just want to cry...
I want to be held...
I don't want to try...
Inside i'm about to die...
I feel like my whole life's a lie...

...Why?

Why am I...?

A lot of people ask why I am a Christian. They ask what good it does me, because, after all, all of the amazing stories happend to adults, that's when everyone else becomes 'Real Christians.' This is just what I'm asked and told, by "Christians" and "Non Christians."

I've never answered that question with a sunday school answere, because it's fake to me. I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to answere the question, so usually I just say what comes to mind, but I will admit that I try and choose my words carefully.

This year has been a very hard experiance for me. I've stumbled across more change and new adventures, then I think I have in my whole life combined. For the first time I've Experianced Gods precense, Lost my sister to San Diego, Found out what true community is, lost my best friend, Stopped drinking coffee (my comfort), Admitted that I have a problem (depression), Broken down completely and felt helpless, Felt more alone then I could ever imagine possible, had my heart broken, Opened up to a few friends. I've Found people who want to talk to me, hang out with me, Love me, teach me, learn from me, laugh with me, talk about Christ with me, forgive me, and help me. I've Seen God perform mericles, and I've learned to see his teaching in my everyday life. These are just a few of the things I've experianced and I am experiancing still.

I came home from work today, lied down on my bed, turned on some music, and just took a breath. A breath that told me to slow down, and to relax, a breath reminding me to let God lead my life, and take the burden off my shoulders, a breath saying that it's okay to be tired of life, and okay to just want to press pause. To press pause, fast forward, and rewind. To play, and to slow down and put on slow motion....but I can't do that. Life comes too fast, and it goes by too slow. Things are gone before you realized they had arrived, and wont leave when you want them gone. You experiance things that you wish you didn't have to, and sometimes they cover up the wonderful things that DO effect you in a positive way.

God has been so good to me this year, and my whole life, but I've been so stressed out, I've had my mind on so many things, and I've been so down, hurt, annoyed, confused, and just tired, that I've forgotten to look back. To look back and say thank you to all of those who have given my a smile on a hard day, a hug when I was feelling alone, an encouraing email when I needed a boost, and asking how my day has been, when I didn't want to tell anyone how bad of a day it was. I've needed all these things that so many people have given to me, without realizing it. I look back now and see how wonderful God is to me. How much he gives, even when i feel like he's just waiting for me to fall down under the load.

"But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
But he knows the way that I take..." (Job 23:8-10)

I may not realize that God is at work in my life when he is. I may think he hasn't answered my prayers. But I may just not see what he's up to, and think that I know what's going on. The truth is I have NO control over what happens to me, or how I effect others. What I DO have control over is HOW I deal with a situation and how I treat others....that's all I have control over.

Why am I a Christian? Why do I follow Christ? Because I can't see any other option for my life. Because without him, I don't think I can honestly say that I would be here right now. Because if I didn't follow him, I would follow someone/something else, and I couldn't live like that. Because without him, I might not have found all of you. And if I had, I would be so alone, that I couldn't realize how many people were right in front of me, and wanted to help me.

Peace Friends.

Beautiful...

There's a little girl sitting in the crowd
Listening to the Beautiful voices
Echoing throughout the space
Watching their Souls speak
Seeing the expression on their faces
She begins to dream of having that
She longs for the Power
She dreams of being Beautiful
Doesn't want anyone to cower

As a teenager, she sings along to the music
Her moma tells her to be quiet
says she can't sing
says don't even try it.
The girl laughs so hard
trys to push is aside
But really she's scarred.
Hurt more then words describe.

She had always dreamed of having that
She had longed for the power
She had hoped to be Beautiful
Make no one cower
So she sat their
Listening to the Beautiful voices
Echoeing in the headphones
She could feel their souls speak
As she herd her stomach groans

Six years of silence
Wont raise her voice for anyone
She has no confidence
She can't even sing to her creator
In church she stands
Moving her lips
With nothing comming out
She stands their
Listening to the Beautiful voices
Echoing throughout the space
She couldn't stop dreaming of that
Still longed for the power
How she wanted to be Beautiful
Couldn't make poeople cower.

Old lady on the pourch
Rocking in the chair,
Listening to the Opera
knowing life isn't fair
All she ever wanted
Was to sing out loud
She just wanted to raise her voice
In front of that crowd
To sing with everything she had
She still wanted it so bad.

She sits there
Listening to the Beautiful voices
Echoing throughout the space
She can hear their souls speak
Even without seeing their face...
still she listens.

Her daughter heard her last words,
The last ones that she ever spoke
She said 'Sing baby girl,
Sing, I can't let you become so broke.'
And the girl sang....
She sang with her Beautiful voice
Echoing so loud in that place
You could hear her soul speak
So loud in that small space

She sang and she sang.
She neve did stop.
She just sang her song,
the gift that SHE was given.
She sang loud, and she sang clear.
She sang to all
Without a fear
Everyone could hear
Could hear her song
No matter how short, or long.
They wanted to hear her song...
So she sang on.

I wrote this on 9/5/06, when I was really down, because I can't sing. My dream has been to be able to sing beautifully as long as I can remember. It's not just that I 'can't sing,' because I HONESTLY can't. My vocal chords got scarred up in middle school, making it so I am untrainable to sing, even though it is the ONE thing that I want, and I will always be jelouse of it. Everyone always says that I have other great qualities, but what does it matter? Most beauty is marked by a voice, and mine is less then beauiful. The only person I will sing to is the Lord, because I can feel beautiful while singing to him and him alone.

"I'll sing to the Lord, and the Lord alone."

Peace Friends.

I don't wany Sympathy

I mentioned in an earlier post, my first, that I have done some dammage to my body in the past and delt with depression. I recieved quite a few concerns about it. So here's my explination, or the best I can give:
One thing that almost no one knows about, is that fact that I struggle with depression. I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, because I haven't been able to admit to my parents about my problems, and I don't want to see a counslor, because I think that I need to get through this thing with the resorces I have, being my friends, family, and God. Now before I go on, I want you to know that I don't want sympathy for this. I don't really think it's anyone's fault, I know that it was givin to me, because I can deal with it, and that is what I'm going to do. okay now I'll continue.
So, I've been awear that I've had this problem for about two years, and they have been the HARDEST two years of my life. The hardest part of it all, is admitting that i have a problem, I know that sounds like an infomercial, but I've discovered that it's more real then I could ever have imagined. I've gotten better and better about it, and just this last summer I started to really learn how to open up. I've told people here and there, but I STILL haven't told my parents, and many others, because it's SO hard to get over my pride.
Pride is a big factor in this whole issue. I've always felt like I had pressur to be perfect. I have three older siblings, a little brother, and two perfect parents. My oldest sister, Meghan, was an A+ student, got married to her high school sweetheart, and has two beautiful children. Next comes Courtney, the popular cheerleader and cross country runner, the one who has always been beautiful and admired by many, including me. She became a professional barista, then went to San Diego to go on an adventure, and find herself. Cole, he's next, well let's just say that he was popular, smart, beautiful, and the best Running Back to make it to my high school. He went to college and is living my dads dream of playing college ball, and he has a wonderful girlfriend that the family loves. My little brother is a geniouse. He stores information like none other, and his vocabulary has been higher then mine sinse like fourth grade. Now maybe this is nothing, and maybe I'm completly wrong, but for me, this has put a lot of pressuer on my shoulders.
I've never felt like I haven't done anything, I feel like I'm constantly in their shadows. I was the youngest to get a job, but Courtney and Cole have both worked there before me, so that didn't really matter. I get good grades, but so did Meghan and Cole, so who cares? I played soccer, but quit because if I didn't make varsity as a junior I wouldn't have been able to look my dad in the eye. I am involved in drama, but Stefan, Meghans husband, is one of the legendary thespians at NHS, and I'm not gifted with singing ability, so I can't get a lead in a musical, which is most of what everyone cares about. I am very involved in my church, but that's just expected, because I'm 'outgoing.' I really have a hard time finding anythign that I can do to be ME, to be different, to do something new. The only thing i've acomplished so far is NOT being a specific anything, not completly suceeding at ANYTHING, but doing 'okay' on a lot of things.
This is where I think some of my feelings of depression have come from, but I can't be sure, I think it's also just being stressed out, and having the personality I have; always smiling, never anything wrong. I hold things in, and I pretend that everything is okay, and that is VERY unhealthy.
When I said that i've done harm to my body, I don't want you to audimatically think "cutting." Actually I never did cut, but I got closer then I ever thought possible. I did have a few eating problems, suicidal thoughts, and I would hurt myself and find ways to cause pain, so that I could feel something, anything. This was a HORRIBLE thing, and I wish I would have never gone through it. BUT God likes to work in mysteriouse ways, and if I hadn't then I wouldn't have been so close to him today.
Don't worry, I'm okay now, actually I'm WONDERFUL! Ive been doing very well, and I have found people to help me out when I start to slip, and so they can pull me up, before I fall that far down. I am growing in my relationship with Christ everyday as well, and God has really been amazing. He likes to give me little reminders, like a beautiful sunset, or a smile from a stanger, a hug from a friend, or even just a warm cup of coffee on a cold day.
Like I said before, PLEASE don't try to give me sympathy, I really don't want people feeling sorry for me, because I'm doing better then a lot of people could ever say. I thank God everyday for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, and the food in my stomach. I'm doing JUST FINE, and I will continue to grow stronger and stronger, and I know that one day I'll conquere this awful state of mind. I thank God for the community he has provided for me, and I'm beggining to realize how important it is to have community.
Peace.